The reality of a friendship ending is one I might never get used to.
In certain ways, I can confidently say that by His mercies I’m living in answered prayers. But yours? I don’t remember what I prayed to have a friend like you. Sounds cliche, but it’s true. What would the words have been?
I’m not great at communicating my feelings. I find myself responding with either too little words, or too many words that you might find me verbose and still not understand me. I remember the day we tried out a new cafe and I plainly said “I can’t believe that this is my life now, and you’re a part of it.” I meant those words. It wasn’t a coincidence that in a season when I didn’t feel seen, God brought you in my life to remind me that He is El Roi, the God who sees. To be seen by you. Surreal.
Thank you for seeing me and being patient with understanding the language of my heart.
You gave me the space to feel, to be. You’d stay with me until the thoughts in my mind arranged themselves into words you could understand. How did you learn to read my heart so quickly? I’d wonder. I had built up walls to last a decade, or so I thought. How did you patiently take them down brick by brick? Thank you for teaching me vulnerability in friendships all over again; for trusting me with your thoughts and experiences and creating a safe space to share mine. For loving me so personally without making others feel less loved. It’s so beautiful because that’s how God loves!
Like Emma Stone, you were “like a shot of espresso.” You gave the little girl in me so much room for expression, and it delighted my heart. Only genuine belly laughs with you, so hard that my steeze would be in the mud. I loved every moment.
But… Did I self-sabotage this friendship because I didn’t think I was worthy? Or did my lack of communication translate into indifference?
Truly, I didn’t think I was worthy of the kind of beauty that you brought into my life. After three weeks of preparing myself for what seems like the end of our friendship, I’m still not ready. It breaks my heart that after all the conversations we’ve had around this topic, the distance between our hearts continues to grow.
Someone told me not to give up without a fight. I have fought in my strength, and I have relied on the Holy Spirit for strength and wisdom. I think it’s time and that’s okay. I’ll be fine in the morning; joy comes in the morning, right? In all, I’m beyond grateful for the gift of you. Thank you for caring for my heart and letting me care for yours. There’s warmth in the memories of our friendship.
A few weeks ago, I had a different and rather self-centred perspective on the ending of our friendship. I thought if I loved you more, you’d stay. But nothing changed. So I asked the Holy Spirit this question:
“How do I know when to stop loving?”
He gave me such a fresh perspective! It was about my heart truly recognizing the gift that you were to me in that season, an extension of God’s heart to me. And it’s okay if that season is over, or ending. Here’s a poem He gave me too:
“you never stop loving
freely give the love that you have received
love without reason
love genuinely, unrestrained
love as an expression of Christ in you
and to what end? to no end, My girl
you are connected to an endless supply of love
you have the ability to love endlessly
but, you learn
to love wisely, wholly, without reason
you never stop loving, Oreva.
Until next time, take care of your beautiful heart and mind.🌷
Why am I crying
I loved this a bit too much 🫶🏼✨